James's letter
by YKTomo-chan
Summary: After POA, Remus is by himself thinking about the events in Hogwarts. He was wrong about Sirius. How would he live with that?


James's letter

Remus woke up after he left Hogwarts feeling worse than he had in years. Finding out Sirius was innocent had worn him out emotionally and for one reason he was glad he quit as a teacher. Facing Harry made him feel guilty. The boy's astonishing resemblance with James and the fact that Sirius was his godfather were constant reminders that he had let his two best friends down and there was no way to fix it.

He lay in bed, looking at the ceiling, not knowing what to do next. He hadn't a job anymore, so what was the point of getting up? His heart sank. He was never going to get another job. Then it happened. He felt it, more than heard it, the hair on his neck stood up and there was a sudden chill. Lupin opened his eyes, suddenly alert, and the sight in front of him brought tears to his eyes. Floating above his bed was the last person he wanted to see right now, but also the person he wanted to see the most. James stared at him, his contour a little blurred, however Remus could never mistake that unruly hair and the stern look his friend was giving him. He lost his words, gaping at the ghost.

"I can't believe you, Remus." He said quietly. If he had screamed and thrown something at him, Remus wouldn't feel as miserable. It was as if his stomach had shrunk. James continued. "How could you doubt Sirius? He is my brother! You knew he'd never betray me, he loves us. And you just gave up on him."

"I'm sorry, James." He whispered.

James' ghost looked devastated. "I know you are. But I need you to wake up, Remus. Sirius is alone right now, what are you doing, laying there doing nothing? I have a message for him. I can't meet him, but you can write it down."

The werewolf dried his tears and said quickly. "Of course." He searched around for some paper, ink and a feather and transcribed his friend's words. In the middle of the process, his tears started again and he cursed as they wet the paper. He could easily let the feather do the work itself, but this was too personal.

Remus was standing right outside Sirius' hiding place. The animagus was inside a cavern in the heart of a forest. He breathed in deeply to encourage himself. They had decided to use a password to identify themselves.

"Sirius," he called, "it's me." He waited, and when nothing happened, he tapped his wand against the rock three times and cast a counter spell, writing the password in middle air, like a thin line of fire. At least, the magical barrier opened just long enough for him to sneak in.

Remus found himself facing the enormous black dog that was Sirius Black's animagus form. The dog merely lifted his head when Lupin came in; he still looked ragged, sickly thin and exhausted.

"You don't have to turn back. I bought you some clothes, some food and a few books. And-" He paused, pondering his words. "James came to see me." The dog disappeared immediately with a pop and in it's place stood his friend's naked form. The view saddened him. He remembered Sirius as the handsome player that went to school with him, the beautiful hair that was often past his shoulders, the fun in his eyes, not this skeleton of a man. Sirius advanced towards him with a mix of desperation and hunger in the eyes.

"What?" his voice was hoarse from disuse.

"James… he appeared to me. He… he urged me to give you this." He extended the letter to Sirius, who observed it confused, but took it anyway. "I'll give you some privacy. You can just send me an owl when you need me." The next moment he was gone.

Sirius opened the envelope with trembling hands. Inside was a letter, and he recognized Remus' handwriting. The man snorted softly at the beginning. There was no formal greeting.

"Hey, mate, how's it going? I wanted to say this in person, well, ghost actually, but I don't have much time, so this'll have do. I just wanted to tell you how sorry I am, Pads, that I left you alone when you needed me the most. I'm sorry I couldn't tell them you were innocent, and you payed greatly for that. I can't imagine how it must've been in Azkaban, how scared and alone you felt. Peter a traitor, me dead, and Remus just walked away. I know you probably don't think he's to blame, but I'll say it anyway. Please don't hold grudges against him, imagine how confused he must've been when he thought you killed Peter, how devastated he was when he thought two of his best friends were dead because the third one betrayed and killed them. I know you'd never betray me, and I would never turn on you, Padfoot. You're my brother. I would give anything to be by yours and Harry's side. By the way, were you surprised when you met Harry? I've seen him in his first year, he looks like a smaller version of me, with Lily's eyes."

Sirius paused for a second, not able to contain a chuckle. The words were a little blurred where, he guessed, Remus had let tears fall. He dried his own eyes in one of the shirts the werewolf had brought.

"Lily misses you greatly too. I know you were disappointed when I married her, cos' you thought she'd take me away from you. But you always were really important to her too, mate. She thought it was obvious who had to be Harry's godfather and she enjoyed having you around. She cut our delinquent acts from time to time, and I know you resented her for that, 'cause you missed our fun in Hogwarts, but we had to grow up, Pads.

Oh, man, this is like doing an essay, I keep forgetting the important stuff." Sirius could imagine James figure as though no time had passed at all. The James in his head tilted his head down and messed his already chaotic hair in concentration.

"I wish things went differently, that we could all be happy together, and I'm so sorry that the reason you kept your mind in Azkaban was the determination to kill someone we once loved. The only thing that relieves me in all this mess is that I didn't keep you as our Secret-Keeper, because it would mean that you'd be dead now, and I would never forgive myself for that.

It's going to be hard for you to get things back to normal. Take Remus help, mate, he'll give you the support I can't anymore. He'll be by your side, and you'll protect each other, and protect Harry. He needs it as much as you do. He transformed alone for twelve years and that's going to haunt me forever.

I love you, Sirius. I wish we could go back to Hogwarts together, to see you smiling and pray pranks on everyone. I miss the times it was just the two of us in my house. Hope you know that my parents loved you as much as I do, and they were proud of you until the end. Your family doesn't deserve you. I'm sorry about your brother. You're not a Black, Sirius, you're a Potter. I'm sure Harry believes it too. Thank you for caring for him, Lily and I are glad you're his godfather.

I'll leave you here, don't got much time left. As a last thing, I just wanted to say how much I want to hug you, and stop your pain. I can't touch you, but I'll always watch over you.

Your mate,

James"

Sirius slid down the rock wall, burying his head in his hands, and sat shaking for a long time. "This was too cruel, James", he thought.


End file.
